Dreams are full of cheesecloth holes

Have you ever had those moments where your dreams lead you down paths of insanity, yet leave you wishing you were still there?

There I was, running down a forest hallway (you know what I mean, the open space that parts down the dark forest with a deep green carpet and bright red, orange, yellow, and brown leaves here and there) and he was following me. Almost catching up to me. I could not wait til he caught up to me.

But then there was an emergency that he had to deal with. He wouldn’t be him if he didn’t deal with it, so he backed off and disappeared into the darkness of the forest hallway dream. Blending into blackness.

I just wanted him to come back and catch up with me. I’m still waiting for him to come and catch up with me.

That dream is following me more and more each day. I long for some guy to come and find me. I don’t know why I’m alone or have been alone for so long. I do not know why the guys I’m attracted to aren’t attracted to me. There could be numerous reasons why, but the truth of the matter is that even with my flaws, I am a pretty cool person and my friends love me.

Instead of fading  into blackness, or a few brightly colored fallen leaves, I want someone to catch up with me and remain even with me.  Before I forget what the feeling of love is like.

It’s been six months since I’ve been near any guys around my age-ish. Which has been nice, giving me time to sort out my priorities and get moving on my life. (Which has been a mess. Still is a bit.) Now though, I see a lot of my friends having kids and getting proposals and I am around my brother and his girlfriend a lot more. Too much reality of romance in my life. It makes me wonder if I will ever feel that burbling of love that makes me giddy.

I miss that feeling.

But maybe this all just a culmination of the chick flick I watched last night. In the dark. Which contained many nature settings. The random firings of my brain at night latching on to the last crush I had.

Either way… I wish I was still there.

Rolling Thoughts

From days gone by not too long ago (including today):

It’s hard to appreciate a shirtless guy and possibly flirt with him when your parents are hanging over your shoulder watching alongside you. (Watching the work he’s doing, you say.)

It’s a good thing my cousin is moving to Texas because her boyfriend seems really nice and is cute. Like, I bet he’s 24. That’s my age range. Dang it. Too bad we probably have nothing in common. /my life

I crush on almost every guy the first time I meet him. Sometimes, it doesn’t happen. I like those times. Makes talking with them less awkward. I like it better when I get to know them and either a. Hate them, or b. Friend/little brother-zone them. (Getting to know them aka happened only three times.)

I am now home and there are zero chances of actually having a guy friend or having guys be around me. (I don’t regularly visit bars, and if I did, I doubt I’d find a fellow non-drinker. Or rare social drinker.) (I also have no money incoming to go out and dance or anything to find a guy.)

Well. Moral of the post: I have awkward thoughts.

Night Ramblings

This is so stupid.

Stupid crushes. Stupid thoughts. Stupid hormones.

Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again where the pheromones are raging and my hormones have one stagnant thought that quite often my mind will process: Boys.

This year, it’s been quite easy to escape such hormones working at a camp where the wonderful male counselors around me were marvelous human beings who will one day make great dads and in the meantime are great role models for the kids. If that seems like a turn on to you, I totally understand. After all, it usually is for me, too.

The “but” begins with the following facts:

1. The guy was too young for me (Anyone under 2 years is too young for me.)
2. The guy was married
3. We were polar opposites and I’d rather throttle you than go out with you.
4. No one really got to know me this summer because for the first two weeks I was at camp, I was sick with the worst sinus infection ever. (Great first impression. And second. And third…)

Of course, I still thought I’d meet some eligible great guys out here (yes, a dream guy), but I quickly realized that there is no dream guy. As a matter of fact, I’m still realizing that there’s no “dream guy.” Sleeping Beauty, you lied. Every time I wake up from an amazing dream about some random guy, after I bask in the warm glow of his dream love, I realize he’s not real. After all, that’s the point of a dream: it’s fiction, made up, fantasy. “Dream guys” do not exist because everyone has faults and everyone has something that will irk them. No one will always be able to say the right things at the right times. No one will be able to read your mind and know exactly what you want. No, a true relationship is about give and take and choosing to go back to each other and work things out after fights/arguments/disagreements, which will happen a lot. Seriously, if we liked all the same stuff, I’d think the guy was a creeper.

I guess I was just always hoping that there’d be a guy who would at least understand me and make me feel comfortable about being myself around him. I still do hope. Underneath it all, I’m still one heck of an optimist.

Which is why I guess I can’t stop crushing on the impossible. No, not a celebrity. I can’t fall in like with a guy I’ve never met in person. So this is a guy who I know and lives near me now, but is such a dumb thing to crush on I just want to go crawl out into the woods, get injured, and die out there. All right, maybe not the die part, but living injured out in the woods would definitely drive it home that there is no way this crush will work out. Besides, soon my time here at camp will be over (2 and a half months), and that means this crush will be a thing of the past. Like all my other went-nowhere crushes.

So why can’t I stop thinking about him?