Waiting is happening

Some days when I look at my love life, I just feel like crying. Everyone says wait, it’s worth it. But they’re also the ones who have been on multiple dates and have had 3+ boyfriends/girlfriends in their life. They’re also not really shy or geeky or have a lack thereof of not shy friends.

It’s easy to dismiss this as “it just takes time.” But when that time has been happening for a while, taking time sounds more like “it’s not for you.” Which makes me want to cry. You can’t tell people who are shy that eventually it’ll all work out because eventually is something that seems so far off. The waiting is happening now. And has been for years.

So what makes it okay to say these things? The fact that they waited? The fact that they dated constantly? The fact that meeting new guys who are interested in them is easy? Maybe. And that’s good for them. Makes me jealous, but it is good for them. I just wish it would stop making me feel like I’m so far behind and not good enough for dating.

Alone

Ending as Friends

No, I haven’t friend-zoned him.

It is possible he has friend-zoned me.

Nor are we good friends.

Who am I talking about? Why, the man I couldn’t stop thinking about one night that made me actually post a rambling post. My current relationship with him is, as found in this one blog, in the status of Friendship: Acquaintance.

We both know each other (we’d better, we worked together for a year); we both communicate with hello’s; we’ve had a few conversations (mostly disputes on silly things like songs and which syrup dispenser is the dad and which is the mom); and we wave when we pass. We also are great at tag-teaming the munchkins of our bosses. We sometimes prefer to be around kids rather than people our own age. Him because he only really knows how to communicate about sports (from what I’ve observed) and me because I get ignored in adult conversations a lot anyways (sorry I haven’t gone and done anything crazy or got drunk off my butt at one point in my life).

He was one of the few on camp I could “creep” on. (I love to sneak up on people. Ninjas or pirates? Ninjas!) He handled it just fine. Might even have laughed even more internally at it. He kept a lot of things private. Don’t blame him. I tend to keep things private, too. Work is one aspect and home life another. He also didn’t work with me and live in the same house as me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Many days passed where we wouldn’t even see each other at a time. Which means he never had to see how I fight change, other opinions, and whatever other negative aspects I have. Basically, we were decent to one another.

The last day of my work/living at Camp ended and he showed up to the impromptu bonfire in our front yard (Redneck style. Something we’d wanted to do before leaving). It was a whole group of us, just basically coming to pay respects to the end of a year and the beginning of a new one (new counselors were already on Camp and there with us). I made  a two snark attacks on things he said. Why? Because the more comfortable I feel around a guy, the more likely I am to snark. I like a witty repertoire. He handled my snark fairly well, but after each one I apologized because I wasn’t sure if I was injuring his pride. Which can happen. And I had already been made a fool of by him earlier in the year. Didn’t want a repeat. Anyway, when 11:30pm rolled around, he got up to leave. I had never hugged him before (crazy considering I worked at a Catholic camp and hugs abounded!), so I just gave him a hand to high-five as a final farewell. Then another girl, also leaving tomorrow, got up to hug him. I couldn’t be the geek who gave a high-five, so I stood to hug. And it was a completely platonic hug. He being a foot or two taller than me, there was tons of space between us and ended quickly. Minimal contact.

What is the point of all that? Just to point out that we left as friends. Fraqs, I call them. Two people who can chitchat upon sight, but won’t keep in touch. Two people who are going different directions and probably wouldn’t work out as anything other than friends at best. And you know what? For once, I have no regrets on it and am quite comfortable with our ending.

Which will pick up again in two weeks when I visit Camp for the first ever alumni weekend. But he’ll be PR-ing the whole thing with all the older folks. And the folks he usually hangs out with. So, we’ll shift back to introductions once more. We’ll see, but I’m calling it now.

 

Rolling Thoughts

From days gone by not too long ago (including today):

It’s hard to appreciate a shirtless guy and possibly flirt with him when your parents are hanging over your shoulder watching alongside you. (Watching the work he’s doing, you say.)

It’s a good thing my cousin is moving to Texas because her boyfriend seems really nice and is cute. Like, I bet he’s 24. That’s my age range. Dang it. Too bad we probably have nothing in common. /my life

I crush on almost every guy the first time I meet him. Sometimes, it doesn’t happen. I like those times. Makes talking with them less awkward. I like it better when I get to know them and either a. Hate them, or b. Friend/little brother-zone them. (Getting to know them aka happened only three times.)

I am now home and there are zero chances of actually having a guy friend or having guys be around me. (I don’t regularly visit bars, and if I did, I doubt I’d find a fellow non-drinker. Or rare social drinker.) (I also have no money incoming to go out and dance or anything to find a guy.)

Well. Moral of the post: I have awkward thoughts.

In Sickness and Health

(Wedding Vows and Marriage series conclusion.)

In Sickness and Health. I’ve been building up to this one. It’s actually the reason I started this whole series. You see, I saw this television show once about an elderly couple that had been married for a very long time. I’m not sure on any numbers, possibly they had been married for 50 years or so. Anyway, in the show, the entire time, this couple was aiming for a divorce. At first, it’s for medical reasons; the husband has severe Alzheimer’s disease. He rarely remembers anyone or anything that is going on recently or even in his past. But he remembers his wife. When he’s with it, he says the most beautiful things about her. Such heart-warming sentiments that finally induce the lawyers hearing their plea to offer to pay for a permanent in-home care nurse. The lawyers are willing to cover all the expenses just to keep these two together because their love is so beautiful. Heartwarming. Made me proud to be a human. In Sickness, even strangers are willing to help a couple stay together.

The trouble was, though, that the wife wanted the divorce, in the end, for herself. Turns out the man she married (her husband with Alzheimer’s) constantly made jokes about her to everyone, whether or not she was present. And now, with the disease settling in, all he does is joke about her. And she’s had enough. You can tell. She’s been emotionally raked over the coals one too many times. You feel for her; you sympathize; you get it. So the divorce goes through.

Then, when the husband comes around to the now again, and they tell him of his wife’s wishes, you watch him crumble and collapse. She’s his life, his everything, and she’s leaving him. The lawyers were in tears. I was in tears. But there was no way to reverse it now. Once Alzheimer’s sets in again, he’s back to cracking jokes about her. Oh dear goodness, the tears.

This has stuck with me for so long, you can see, that I’ve mulled the issue over many times. So I can save their marriage. But no one deserves to be berated and made fun of day in and day out. And that’s where I believe the problem lies: They forgot to love each other in Health.

When they were well and had all their mental facilities firing, they should have talked about the issue of the jokes. The wife is quite bothered by the jokes and so am I. I wouldn’t want to be the brunt of every joke, especially if they’re made by my husband. This is where the husband should have been able to see how damaging his jokes were to his wife. In Health, when all is going well, they forgot to communicate. To fix things. To remember that problems in Health can and will compound when in Sickness. And as you can see, the issues broke hearts. In the husband’s case, it might have even broken his mind. Without her, he was lost, as if the Alzheimer’s didn’t have him lost and confused all ready.

In Sickness and Health. You love. You talk. You learn together. Your marriage will be the greatest years of your life if you remember that the person you’re going in to this deal, this pact, this commitment with will do things you don’t like, will become someone you don’t understand. Sickness does those things. Just remember that the person underneath it all is the person you loved. This is the person that you promised you’d work through everything with For Better, For Worse, For Richer, For Poorer, In Sickness and Health. You have chosen to love this person until you die. Not just until they die, but until you die. That’s how powerful marriage can be, ensuring your love long past the date of expiration.

((If you want to check out For Better, For Worse or For Richer, For Poorer, click the links!))