“Come in and know me better man!”

–The above quote brought to you by the Ghost of Christmas Present via A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

A spur of the moment post to satisfy my wanton needs. I do desire to write here more often, but I seem to fall into the pattern of having too many people from my current job to hide this from. And they would read it, too, believe me. And then tell everyone about it. Drama at work is never a good thing.

Anyway, let’s move on to the rest of the article, shall we?

Maybe it’s because it’s Christmas, maybe because I went to a fantastic wedding over the weekend and met many beautiful people, but I am feeling very nostalgic about the men I have met in my life. There are many that have come and gone whom I have crushed on, but few that have had the lasting impression that three, possibly four, gentleman will have on me. Why these gentleman in particular? Well, it is because they have known me better.

What I mean by that isn’t that they spent many hours/days/minutes getting to know me. It means that they noticed the little things about me and acknowledged them out loud. A rare quality to find. Others may say they have come to know me, but they saw the minute details, the details that stand out so brightly in my mind’s eye that even the gentlemen I crushed on the hardest don’t even compare. So, no, guys, it’s not you. It’s me waiting for you to see me.

The first time I was ever noticed for something small was by a guy in college. A wonderful guy, full of smiles, always welcoming, and with a steady girlfriend. We would always concoct such wonderful schemes together on how best to pull acceptable practical jokes. Like filling a fountain with bubbles or fish. (Usually bubbles would win out because we didn’t want to kill fish.) One evening, while volunteering together, he noticed that on my wrist was something new. Something that had been hanging around my wrist for perhaps two weeks or so, and he pointed it out and asked me about it. I can still remember how he tugged it, how I blushed when I thought no one noticed it, and how he took it all in stride and accepted it for what it stood. What really mattered to me was the he noticed it.

Then there was the guy who once caught me holding in my excitement, which I do a lot because people are frightened of it. I had just learned to successfully shoot a rubber band off my fingers, like a rubber band gun and had thrown my hands up in the air to celebrate, but then quickly reined it in when I caught him looking at me. No need to scare off anyone else by my true self. He stared at me for a bit longer before turning to face another direction. Out of the corner of his eye he told me that I didn’t need to hold in check who I am on his account. Not hold in my enthusiasm, but who I am. I am still taking this to heart for the moment I find the guy who’s right for me, I’ll know because he won’t tell me to hide who I am or cover my personality with what’s acceptable. Which is happening a lot these days. Hmmmm. That, is another story though.

The last one is more something that struck me as utterly flattering and intensely cute and made my life brighter. One day at work, I discovered the pool I was supposed to introduce to a guard was locked. So, I decided the fastest way in was to jump the fence. (Practical in every way.) As I was doing this and setting up my method for accomplishing this goal, the guard casually mentioned that I am tiny. From any previous posts you’ve read of mine, or if you know me, I do not view myself in any shape as tiny. Yet he did and it touched me because I realized just how big he was and how I really was tiny compared to him. It was…well, quaint. And made me feel completely different in his presence. Special, almost, that he would call me such. We still keep somewhat in touch, he of course having a steady girl as well.

The fourth one is uncertain. There have been a few moments with other gentleman and a group of people who noticed something small about me that surprised me–that I am selfless, that I am deeper than I let on, that I was letting fear rule my life– but none have impacted how I perceive I would want my guy to treat me, if I was dating one. Those first three gentlemen taught me more about how I view myself and want to be viewed than anything else and I am just hoping that one day I’ll be able to meet a guy who acknowledges these things in me, is not taken, and who will deign to want to ask me out on a date. One day. Perhaps. The future is quite uncertain.

In Sickness and Health

(Wedding Vows and Marriage series conclusion.)

In Sickness and Health. I’ve been building up to this one. It’s actually the reason I started this whole series. You see, I saw this television show once about an elderly couple that had been married for a very long time. I’m not sure on any numbers, possibly they had been married for 50 years or so. Anyway, in the show, the entire time, this couple was aiming for a divorce. At first, it’s for medical reasons; the husband has severe Alzheimer’s disease. He rarely remembers anyone or anything that is going on recently or even in his past. But he remembers his wife. When he’s with it, he says the most beautiful things about her. Such heart-warming sentiments that finally induce the lawyers hearing their plea to offer to pay for a permanent in-home care nurse. The lawyers are willing to cover all the expenses just to keep these two together because their love is so beautiful. Heartwarming. Made me proud to be a human. In Sickness, even strangers are willing to help a couple stay together.

The trouble was, though, that the wife wanted the divorce, in the end, for herself. Turns out the man she married (her husband with Alzheimer’s) constantly made jokes about her to everyone, whether or not she was present. And now, with the disease settling in, all he does is joke about her. And she’s had enough. You can tell. She’s been emotionally raked over the coals one too many times. You feel for her; you sympathize; you get it. So the divorce goes through.

Then, when the husband comes around to the now again, and they tell him of his wife’s wishes, you watch him crumble and collapse. She’s his life, his everything, and she’s leaving him. The lawyers were in tears. I was in tears. But there was no way to reverse it now. Once Alzheimer’s sets in again, he’s back to cracking jokes about her. Oh dear goodness, the tears.

This has stuck with me for so long, you can see, that I’ve mulled the issue over many times. So I can save their marriage. But no one deserves to be berated and made fun of day in and day out. And that’s where I believe the problem lies: They forgot to love each other in Health.

When they were well and had all their mental facilities firing, they should have talked about the issue of the jokes. The wife is quite bothered by the jokes and so am I. I wouldn’t want to be the brunt of every joke, especially if they’re made by my husband. This is where the husband should have been able to see how damaging his jokes were to his wife. In Health, when all is going well, they forgot to communicate. To fix things. To remember that problems in Health can and will compound when in Sickness. And as you can see, the issues broke hearts. In the husband’s case, it might have even broken his mind. Without her, he was lost, as if the Alzheimer’s didn’t have him lost and confused all ready.

In Sickness and Health. You love. You talk. You learn together. Your marriage will be the greatest years of your life if you remember that the person you’re going in to this deal, this pact, this commitment with will do things you don’t like, will become someone you don’t understand. Sickness does those things. Just remember that the person underneath it all is the person you loved. This is the person that you promised you’d work through everything with For Better, For Worse, For Richer, For Poorer, In Sickness and Health. You have chosen to love this person until you die. Not just until they die, but until you die. That’s how powerful marriage can be, ensuring your love long past the date of expiration.

((If you want to check out For Better, For Worse or For Richer, For Poorer, click the links!))

For Richer, For Poorer

(This continues the series on Wedding Vows and Marriage to be updated sporadically and end in February with all good intentions.)

Richness of money
It’s all about the money. No matter how little money means to you, in the end point of marriage, it means a lot. A lot doesn’t do it justice. Money in marriage is like an underground river or aquifer; always there, running or sitting underneath it all. This has nothing to do with whether or not you are greedy, desire the best for yourself, or work with the poor. That has to do with spirit, which we’ll get to later. The world runs on money. So whether or not you sign that prenuptial agreement, money will come into play very soon in your marriage. Yours and mine. More so mine because I’m a saver and not much of a spender. My motto is to live poor enough for a rainy day or a big want. In my case, big wants include new cars and vacations. I worked and saved for them, so I earned them. The thing about marriage is that it’s no longer just you with the money. Money and purchases become a joint venture.

Some of you may doubt me, but really, something about marriage makes us, as humans, start viewing everything as ‘ours.’ Which is really as it should be. In a crazy world where everything is ‘mine, mine, mine,’ the idea of having ‘ours’ is novel and new; a refreshing start for a new married couple. So even if you decide to keep separate bank accounts and each bring in your own paycheck, at some point, one of you is going to ask the other about the necessity of some such item.From what I know, this kind of question comes about because the financial situation as a whole is kept secret. When it comes to money, you’ve got to talk about it as  a team because once that marriage happens, you’re in it –life– together. For richer, for poorer.

If the man or woman you love loses their job and is unable to find a new one to the point that as a couple you’re financially nearing Welfare handouts, will you still love him/her? Will you love them in that situation when they become angry, depressed, rejected, and lash out? Because that is what marriage is, loving them when they’re poor and going through the new trials of being poor. But at the same time if the man or woman you love starts earning more than you, becomes richer than you and can afford to take you our more than you can take them out, will you begin to hate them? Or will you accept the fact and be glad that your partner’s skills at work are being recognized and rewarded? Being rich, being poor, being middle class is all involved when it comes to marriage. For richer or poorer isn’t just about money in a marriage, though. There’s another richness I mentioned earlier.

Richness of spirit
When it comes to rich and poor, you’ve also got to take into account spirit. This is spirit is the richness of one’s soul. If you both go in to marriage as atheists, but your partner finds a soul connection with Buddhism, will you love their new richness of spirit? Will you accept their new depth or want to strangle them for their peace and kindness? At times, a richness of kindness can seem smothering, especially to someone who’s used to their partner living a certain way. At the same time will you, if your spirit grows richer, be able to handle your partner’s ‘still the same’ spirit?

If you both go in equals in money and business but down the line your partner gets demoted or fired, will you be able to handle it if they turn down the path of despair and laziness? A path of the poor in spirit? Or will you want to walk away when they enter this depression and find for yourself another who will match your richness of spirit? The thing is though, that leaving your wife will not be a marriage.

A marriage is picking up your poor in spirit wife with the love you have pledged them and carry her through the tough time til her spirit becomes rich once more. A marriage is sticking it out, because of love, for when the richness of your husband’s spirit smothers you til you come to accept him and realize he is the same person you married under it all. A marriage is handling your husband’s unemployment with care and respect til life turns around again. A marriage is dealing with your wife’s increase in salary til you understand that she is now being justly valued as you justly value her. Marriage: for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; is all about love.

I’ll have a….

When I asked my mother one time why she made an ordinary dinner so very fancy for my sister’s “boyfriend,” the response my frustrated self got threw me for a loop: “Would you really like him to have his hands in your food?”

I had a great deal more respect for my mother after that. Because, let’s face it, I can’t stand the guy. I’m not a person who hates people, a vast majority of my friends can tell you that, but this guy is horrible. Awful. I’ve written that he is a “horrible blot on the signature of all things.” All right. Now you know I am a horrible person as well.

The point of it all? I have seen one too many bad relationships. From my sister, from my friends, from other relatives. Those who have good relationships either end or aren’t close enough to me.

In short, in the digital age of today, the only I know concerning relationships is what I don’t want a tall order of. In the restaurant world of relationships, I’ll have the following:

• 1 male of the loving boyfriend variety.
• hold the hatred
• hold the demands
• hold the emotional/psychological/physical/mental abuse
• hold the guilt
• hold the smoking and the litter bug
• hold the noncommittal
• hold the “don’t want to label it”
• hold the living together
• hold the sex
• Put the sex and living together on the side after marriage.

Not much of a list. But it has eliminated a ton of things that aren’t good for me. Like smokers. Or abusive men.

I just wish I could help those who are in bad one relationships. But after a few tries, I know it’s impossible. I’ve got to let them figure out how stupid their choices are. Which may not happen in some cases. Isn’t, actually.

Here’s to what we know we don’t want. Let’s not forget it in sight of cute smiles, lovely teeth, beautiful bods, and smooth talkers.